Let the Past Breathe…
I thoroughly enjoyed the Canadian series Being Erica (2009). There are series we watch when we want a good laugh or the ones we watch when we want some adrenaline pumping in our veins. However, Being Erica is the series you watch when you are somewhat overwhelmed by the consequences of your past choices and decisions. It is the series you watch while you fantasize about a do-over.
There is something (I find) quite therapeutic in watching someone get a second chance (third or fourth in Erica’s case sometimes) to right a wrong.
When I meet people who talk about having no regrets, I marvel at the extent of their maturity and acceptance of the past. Maybe it’s my tendency for perfection that has me picking at past events and going like Homer Simpson does, ‘Doh!’.
I first came across the series Being Erica during my undergraduate years and I was hooked from the first episode. In episode 1, Erica’s life has been turned upside down. She is unemployed and then gets dumped by her boyfriend. Quickly followed by a near-death experience. To crown it all, she has everyone in her family talk about her sad life like she isn’t in the room, when in fact she is!
Back then in my early twenties, I thought I had seen it all when it came to life’s valleys, but like Serita Jakes once said, (and I paraphrase) there is no end to life’s valleys.
A month ago I decided to watch Being Erica again. I was in that space where I needed a door to walk through to change some things in the past (you have to watch Being Erica to get the door analogy😊 ).
However, watching Being Erica now, many years later, certain things became clearer to me. there were insights I overlooked the first time around.
You do the best at that particular time:
Perhaps, one of the reasons some people talk about having no regrets is because they have come to understand, as renowned author and poet Maya Angelou said “When you know better you do better.”
Every time Erica was given the opportunity to rewrite the past, she was rewriting it based on how she knew things would end up or play out.
An example is her older brother Leo, who died in a barn fire (he slept off smoking in the barn). Every time Erica went to a time in her past when he was alive, she would smile widely and hug him. He often found it strange, I guess in the original timeline she was not much of a hugger. But because Erica had the gift of knowing the end (that in a couple of years he would be dead), she would hug him, and stare extra hard at him and his mannerisms. She would be intentional about her time with him and her words to him.
And then it hit me; whatever choice I have made, for the most part, I made it because it made sense to me at the time. I am not gifted to see into the future, I just take a leap of faith and say ‘Yes’ or say ‘No’. Knowing this erases every self-blame, because how could I choose wrong if I knew that was the wrong thing to choose?
In the past, Erica did not bother when Leo was not in the house that night. In fact, the whole family went to bed. How were they to know something tragic was about to happen? They couldn’t. Their decision to sleep and leave a sulking Leo out in the barn made sense to them (probably because it had happened that way so many times).
Though Erica was told by her Time-travelling therapist that she could never change the fact that Leo died, she tried. Because she knew how he died, she did everything to change the activities that lead to his accidental death.
Erica stubbornly trying to keep Leo alive brings me to the next lesson I received:
Some things are meant to be:
“I shouldn’t have done that,” “I should have known they couldn’t be trusted.” “I shouldn’t have gone out that day.” These are just some of the things I have thought of repeatedly when something I deem negative happens as a result of a choice I made.
And while there is a possibility that a different choice would have led to a different outcome, there is also the possibility that the ‘negative’ outcome was meant to happen.
On one of her time-traveling trips, Erica does everything she can to save Leo’s life that night.
She walks into the barn. Puts out the cigarette, and shouts at him for being sad/angry (I think her anger was more from her fear of what she knew happened that night). Leo is confused by her emotional outburst and runs after her. He doesn’t die.
Then Erica is taken to another world where Leo who had died in his early twenties (I presume), is alive way beyond his twenties. He is a successful architect and engaged to a wonderful woman.
Erica of course is so happy to see a version of Leo no one ever got to experience. But something tragic happens. Later that night, Leo is to meet up with his fiancée and her parents for dinner and he gets into a horrible car accident. He dies.
I got teary-eyed at this scene. But its message was very clear. Some things, no matter how negative they seem, were meant to happen. Why? I don’t know. I cannot pretend to be smart enough to answer that question, but I just know this is the truth sometimes.
And I guess this is another reason why some people live without regrets. There are personal life events that would always occur no matter how many times you tried (if you could) to change them.
The lesson is that I do not let it overwhelm me. I do not agonize endlessly over a choice or decision I made that did not pan out the way I thought or hoped. Instead, I need to open myself to learning from the situation, the pain, the loss. what can it teach me about myself? what is it opening my eyes to?
Life can be lived and life can be learned.
The helper needs help too:
My favorite character in the entire series is the Time-travelling therapist, Dr. Tom, played by Michael Riley.
I consistently adored Dr. Tom all through the 4 seasons. As for Erica, there was a lot of touch and go in my feelings for her😁.
Dr. Tom was as patient as they come. He was with her in every past timeline she went to, and he was consistently pointing her to the right conclusions. He was so wise; it was easy to conclude he had it all together.
Until we get to know about his estranged daughter who also has a serious cocaine addiction. We see Dr. Tom fall apart, get emotional, and project his anger. He losses it a couple of times.
As upset and startled as Erica would get when he wasn’t his genial self, she would eventually realize his outbursts really had nothing to do with her.
It made me think of all the people in my life I see as strong and self-sufficient. They dish the advice so easily, always giving a listening ear to the heartaches of others. We tend to lean on them so much because they seem to have it all together. But no one really has it all together.
If that ‘strong’ person is not sharing with you what keeps them up at night, do not interpret that to mean that doesn’t happen.
The helper needs help too. In conversations on mental health following the suicide of Miss USA 2019, people began to advocate we check on our ‘strong friends’ too. There is a tendency to think the emotional, financial, and spiritual pillars in our lives do not need encouragement or a listening ear but that is not true.
Everyone needs encouragement. Everyone needs someone to listen.
Watching Being Erica a second time around was very therapeutic for me. There are so many other things I can share, but this three were the most heartfelt lessons.
If you haven’t given it a watch, I highly recommend it.
